It has been a hard summer. I am sorry I haven't written in this for so long but it is hard to write about our loss. Emmalyne lost her daddy, my youngest son, in an accident on June 12, 2010. My mother and I had her with us in Rapid City at the Kitchen and Bath store when I got the phone call from Kevin about Jordan's accident. I had to be the one to break the news to my little Emmalyne and explain why I was so distraught. I said "Emma, Daddy had an accident and he went to live with Jesus and Grandpa Ron." She looked up at me a bit confused and said "ok" I said "that means we can't see him or play with him anymore" She said "ok" trying to take it all in. On the way home she said "Grandma, I know why you are so sad, it is because my daddy died, but I am not sad, know why? Because I know him and we will get to see him again when we die and go to Heaven to live with Jesus too" She is our saving Grace and so full of faith and strength that it puts all of us to shame. She has her moments and has said some amazing things over the past three months since Jordan's death. She told us on his birthday "Know how my daddy looked when he died?" Then she held her arms out looking up to the sky as she was reaching to be lifted by Jesus. She also said she heard Daddy's crash that night she spent the night with me and we woke up and went to the bathtub store. She had been talking that morning about a night dream scarring her so i asked if that was what her night dream was. She replied "Yes, it was loud and it hurt my ears"
We took Emma to the viewing since we were worried she would think Daddy just went to work and didn't want to come home again. We wanted closure for her. I had to explain what she would be seeing since we also didn't want her to say "hmm you said Daddy is with Jesus, but here he is" So I took a can of pop and told her "the body is like this pop can, the soul is like the pop inside. When we die our soul is all gone from the body, just as the pop can be all gone from the can. You are left with the can and that is what we will see. Daddy's body, it will look like he is sleeping and he will look different because he doesn't have his soul inside, that is with Jesus. He will feel cold to the touch if you touch him." Then I told her to close her eyes and told her that anytime she wanted to feel daddy, we have to feel him with our hearts. To close her eyes and think of daddy. So when Cassie and Frank came over, she explained all this to Cassie this way " Cassie, see this can of pop? The can is my daddy's body, the pop is my daddy's soul and when we drink up the pop, my daddy's soul is in heaven with Jesus. Now if we want to feel my daddy we have to close our eyes.. close your eyes Cassie. Do you feel my daddy in your heart Cassie.. Opps, he just poked my tummy! Did he poke you in the tummy too Cassie?" She did well at the viewing but she didn't understand why he didn't smile at her or say he loved her back when she said she loved him.
Jordan's birthday was 3 days after his death so I told Emma we would get some birthday balloons and let them go up to heaven to daddy. I told her that we could even get a cake for his birthday.. and it could be chocolate since he won't be eating it. She said "Grandma, can we get a white cake so we can tape a piece of it to the balloon and send it up to daddy so he can eat some of his birthday cake too?" My sister said "In heaven you aren't sick anymore, so daddy can have Chocolate cake too" This thrilled Emma greatly, now he can finally have chocolate cake! That is what she told everyone who stopped by. Deb Davis brought over a large Chocolate Cake for his birthday cake. We bought candles and decorating icing and let Emma decorate it and put the candles on it. She then waited for him to blow them out. I said "daddy doesn't have any way to blow them out so he needs your help." She blew them out and we sent a small bite of cake up with the balloons.
The funeral was the biggest one the church had seen according to the minister. There were over 350 people there. Emma did very well in it, She looked at me and said "you have tears, my grandpa has tears, my mommy has tears... do I have tears?" Then the minister asked her if she wanted to go up with him and sing "Jesus loves me" which he knows is her favorite song. After that everyone there had tears in their eyes too.
She waited until she went home to Hulett and I wasn't there to break down and cry. I knew then that she was being as strong for me as I was trying to for her. She is my little angel.
She broke my heart though when she sat on my lap and said so hopefully "Grandma, can you make my daddy come back alive?" I said "no hon, I can't, I wish I could" She said this a couple more times to me then finally got really mad and said "YES YOU CAN!! You have a driver's license!" Each time she makes a wish, she wishes her daddy could be alive again. So do I.
Emma told me the other day that when she is asleep and everything is quiet, her daddy talks to her. I asked her what he says to her and she said "Emma, pick up that money I drop from heaven for you" Then she said "and he says 'Emma I love you'" She always deepens her voice when she says what daddy says, so precious.
I get Emma a few days each week so I can take her to sunday school and now Bible School on Mondays. It helps us both deal with it together and our bond and love is so strong. She told me the other day "Grandma, spending weekends with you makes my heart so happy" It does mine too baby doll.
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